Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
