yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
