I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
