I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
