If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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