2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
