Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
