i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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