What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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