dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize