He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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