you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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