I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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