Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
