a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
