I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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