A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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