I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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