Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
