Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
