so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
