I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
This house was built for laser tag.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
