good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it hurts more in the daytime
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
