Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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