Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
True strength comes from lack of pants
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
