stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
