we have pet lesbian snakes
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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