seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
