You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
