you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
