On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
