Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You were trust falling into bushes
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
