I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize