You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
