I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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