You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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