I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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