I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
