ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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