My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
