the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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