Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize