It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
