Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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