You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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