Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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