don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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