went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
