The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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