the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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