So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
