this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
