3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
